Unraveling my ambition, part 2

On the other hand , I want to *do*

On one hand, I just want to be (—> read part 1 of my inner turmoil here)

On the other hand, I am itching to do.

I am refreshing my email multiple times a day and checking my Instagram messages just as many. Why? Just a reflex from the past, when a new catering opportunity would slide into my messages every couple of weeks or a new photo gig would land in my inbox once a month.

“Shab, we have a [project] and would love for you to be a part of it.” A paraphrase, more or less,, but that’s how most of these messages would begin. My heart would skip a beat and I would pull out my calendar, crossing my fingers that I would be free to do it, whatever *it* might be.

But I decided to get off the hamster wheel and find a different way of being. A being that was less all-encompassing, a being that didn’t ask of me more than I could give— to prove to myself that I am more than what I do and find my own path (not the one people were assuming for me).

…right?

Well not really... I left because I was tired of being the only one walking on sidewalks under freeway underpasses and waiting for the busses that never came on Sunset Blvd and spending all my money on Ubers to Eagle Rock— or, simply avoiding doing anything at all to avoid all of the above. I just wanted to move aroud my city and my life at a different rhythm.

So now as I tap my metro card from home to school to work to wine bars to kebab shacks and back finally home, I find myself refreshing my inboxes again, wondering when someone will ask me to be a part of their next creative idea.

And that’s what I’m itching for. It wasn’t LA’s ego or America’s capitalism, it was my innate creativity and desire to be a part of something bigger than myself that propelled me forward all those years. It was the thrill of creating something out of nothing. It was the ability to tap the world on its shoulder and say “Hey, look I made something if you want to grab a piece of it.”

And when I would stumble on people who saw that in me, the ones who didn’t need me to slide too hard into their DM’s, the ones who could see my absolute inability to stay still (read:bored) in my corner, the ones who said “ hey shab, I have an idea. come be a part of it,” well those were the special ones who saw right into my soul.

I don’t want to be defined by what I do, but it doesn’t mean I have to stop doing altogether. Instead, I need move forward with abandon. Blinders on, camera fully charged, brainstorm book packed in my tote bag. Think less, do more, but stop for an espresso every now and then, and definitely meet that friend at the cave à vin for an apéro.