2 years since burnout: we're almost back.
some thoughts on disability-- and some images I've made since August 2021.
An existential crisis, eye surgery, a horrible au pair experience in exchange for free Paris housing (lol oui oui c’est ça), disassocation, a tour with my band I don’t even remember happening (oh but it happened alright), 2 student visas, a language class for a language I thought I was done learning, a fucking revolution, a whole new photography portfolio, my photo on the cover of a magazine, shooting backstage for the Italian music scene (daje <3), new dreams, heartbreak, astrology, a psychic, more vision loss (woo), more mental clarity (woo !), countless beds I’ve called my own and we’re still not there yet?
We’ve reached the part of the process where I’m starting to get really mad, and I’m so happy to start feeling mad again. Because that means the juice is starting to sizzle. It means I’m not dead inside anymore. It means I’m not staring out of my two partially broken eyes into the horizon listening to the Amélie soundtrack (ugh I still love it) missing la Belle Époque or whatever simpler time, but instead, I’m power walking with espresso in my veins, a blank notebook in my tote bag and Karavana blasting in my headphones.
I remember this feeling. It used to be stronger, maybe I’m revving up to it (I hope). But it was a feeling I felt often before my eyesight started to decline for the second time in 2018, much before I hit a level of hopelessness in 2020. But it was how I used to feel about my disability and my life and my circumstances by the time I was around 25— no one was going to help me get anywhere but myself.
Grow up dealing with a disability and you learn to fend for yourself. When teachers won’t believe you, doctors won’t help you, employers won’t hire you, job descriptions make you feel less than and none of your friends take the bus, you learn to take the scenic route. A little bit of that was tainted with a generous sprinkle of youthful naivité, oh I know it. I’m not 25 anymore and there is so much I’ve learned that I need to do if I want to live the life I now know I need to live.
But that feeling is the feeling that’s starting to send vibrations to the surface of the water again.
I’m looking out at onto the horizon, mind cleared, through my 2 partially broken eyes, ready to trust my instincts. I don’t need to see the waves with perfect vision to know when to catch the next wave ;)
Here are some images I’ve made since the day I burnt out, as we sit and wait (patiently but not passively) for the next ride:
The future is unwritten.
Thanks for following along as I continue to write it.
درود
درود
درود.
For a second I thought there were gonna be self portraits sprinkled throughout, telling the story of these two years through both the things you saw and your own face. Either way, love the story you're telling. Deep belief in you, and you're constantly paying it off. I don't wish for you to endure hardships and agony but it's amazing the beautiful things you made and the hard work you did while you were in the midst of burnout and transition upon transition, more than a lot of people accomplish in comfort.